The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
pray to the hookup gods
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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