so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
