Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
