The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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