I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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