What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
