Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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