I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
