I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
