Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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