I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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