I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
