I only kidnapped one of them. chill
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
