Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Text me some of your sweat
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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