kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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