don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Randomize
