dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
