there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Your penis caused this!
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
