Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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