Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
