I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
