we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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