While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
