Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
