you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
