My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
