K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
