Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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