I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
