you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
