brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
