accomplished twins. life is a go
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
