nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
