I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
