Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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