Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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