insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
