I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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