this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
