I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
