there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
