I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
