My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
