Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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