So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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