Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Shame - the story of my life.
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