sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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