I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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