It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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