my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
