Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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