Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
