I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
