I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
you made out with another girl for some wings
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
