i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
