Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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